A couple of days ago I came across a video named “The Art of Seduction: Not Pretty, Really.” It is a short documentary made by the Sundance Channel addressing the pros and cons to being physically attractive. The topic was interesting but the film simply fell flat. The reactions of the participants-whose appearance I didn’t found particularly out of the ordinary-, were quite overdramatic. According to them, attractive people face being judged more harshly than more standard looking individuals. People immediately assume that they are not smart, friendly, and that they’re promiscuous- basically the wolf in the sheep’s clothing-. I don’t know about you but when I see somebody who is attractive this negative thoughts don’t go through my head. The University of Pennsylvania conducted a study that show that people are more likely to associate pretty faces with positive traits. The research also showed that attractive people generally earn more, are judge to be more intelligent and will receive more attention in their lifetime. It is of course all relative but what a huge shocker! I would have never thought that your level of attractiveness played such a huge role. (I am being sarcastic in case this was not noticed.) Perhaps somebody needs to tell this people to come back down to Earth.
First- They are not that attractive.
Second- They need to stop being paranoid and self-center, thinking that the world revolves around them. Beauty fades away. (Unless you are Dorian Gray, he had a pretty tragic ending though.) Change your flaw way of thinking. You are not God gift to this world. People encounter attractive individuals ON A DAILY BASIS.
Third- Men treating you like an object doesn’t really imply that you are beautiful. It’s just men thinking with their second head. Sorry.
I will admit I am judging this documentary harshly. But I know what life is like when you are not attractive. If being pretty makes them cry, being unattractive would make them want to kill themselves. When you are not attractive you are invisible to others. People think its okay to bully you because you are a couple of pounds overweight. To be invited to a party just because you are friends with the pretty girl that all the guys wanted. Do they know what that is like? It doesn’t matter you are nice. It doesn’t matter what good attributes you have, you are still the ugly girl. What I went through is something that is still engraved in me. Them, “the beautiful people” complaining about life being such a hardship due to their looks is bullshit. It’s sad we live in a world that puts so much emphasis on having a beautiful exterior when you can be rotting on the inside.
In case you are interesting in reading the research conducted by the University of Pennsylvania here is the link:
Hello my sweet darling. Lately I have been kind of procrastinating on writing a new blog entry but, there has been really not much to say. Shiny ponies and butterflies haven’t come and visit me yet like a good ol’ LSD trip. Oh, and I am still the same loser.
As you may or may not know, school has started for my wonderful self. So far, I have really enjoyed all of my classes…minus one. The reasons are rather stupid but I tend to put myself in complicated situations. I signed up for a course that has a teacher who makes me extremely anxious. I had him as a professor before and knew that although his exams were not that bad his teaching style is not one that makes me comfortable. He tends to call on people, can be quite feisty if things don’t go his way and is one of those people that KNOWS he is smarter than most (aka extremely cocky). And have I mention he is deliciously attractive? Yeah. Now you may ask, well dumbass, if you were so intimidated by him in the first place why are you taking him AGAIN? The answer is quite simple too; I just LOVE to make myself have random anxiety attacks. It’s AWESOME. No, in all seriousness, I like to force myself to do things that I am afraid of. He intimidates the shit out of me and makes my social anxiety hit me with a vengeance but I can’t let it win. I am not always going to be able to avoid people that make me nervous, may as well just start dealing with it. I have taken him before and I didn’t die from it and he does provide a nice eye candy in the morning. Now, if I only could get myself to participate in class or utter a word to him I would know I have really overcome this stupid irrational fear. Social anxiety is such a big part of my life; I really don’t know who I would be without it. I would probably be much happier though, and not so worry about appearing ignorant to other people. I know I will one day overcome this… While this happens I will keep trying till I am cured.
In the romance department, I can say iFail. It’s like God (or whoever you believe in) it’s telling me, “Consuelo, you know what? You are way too conceived. For every weird, creepy guy that you have been a bitch to you will get an additional 20 years of singlehood.” I may be exaggerating a tiny bit, but I swear sometimes I think that is really not so far from the truth. This bad luck has to be attributed to SOMETHING, so I am going to blame karma. I have really not been the nicest of girls to guys who have hit on me and are not particularly attractive looking. I may add I have not been a complete bitch, but lets just say I admit my shallow nature. I am not God gift to this world but, I think I deserve a semi-decent looking, intelligent guy…Right? My cat lady future self, here I come! 20 years from now I am probably going to be still lusting after completely unattainable individuals. To prepare for this promising future my friend bought me a precious very real looking cat(when you touch it,it moves,purrs and says miauh) .
I present you Drew Molko.It is of course named after Brian Molko and Dr. Drew because I am bad-ass like that.
To be truthful all I ever desire is to find peace and happiness within myself. That would be the best gift of all.
Hello my sweet darlings! I am finally back to C-town after a few weeks of being stuck in the middle of nowhere. It feels great to smell the wonderful smog this city has to offer. My lungs and watery eyes appreciated it very, very, much. I came back because school aka my needy husband starts on Wednesday. I really thought that I was going to feel somewhat content of the prospect of being prolific again but sadly that’s not the case. This overall gloominess may also have to do with the fact that this month I turn 21.The beginning of this new semester, the fact I am turning one year older makes me realize how time just slips by without taking into consideration if you are ready or not (time you’re a cunt). I am afraid of what the future holds. I am terrified of waking up one day and realizing I wasted away my whole life (and youth) without accomplishing anything. Because let’s face it, in this 20 years (soon to be 21, yikes), I have not really achieved a whole lot. I hate being always so gloomy. No matter how much I try to remain positive the truth is that pessimism is engraved in my nature. I am really not looking forward to another semester of constantly trying to stay afloat and feeling like the dumbest person on Earth when things don’t go according to plan. I am especially not looking forward to another year of life trying to fight my demons and always feeling like I simply don’t fit in. Telling myself that things will change, to not give up, only to fail and be let down AGAIN.I am just tired or been listening to too much depressing music lately. I should stop being such a self-centered individual and realize that my problems compare to others are really petty. But, in my universe, I am always under a magnifying glass. I like to pick at my emotional scab…which is not healthy.
Moving on to less depressing subjects, every so often I make mix CD’s of songs I like since I loathe local radio and am too cheap to buy satellite radio. I have been trying to stay away from listening to the usual artists I am into in order to expand my taste in music. When I like a song or artist I usually am attracted to them based on whether their lyrics fit my current mood or lifestyle. Kind of like a soundtrack to my life as super,uber,original as that may sound. I am very pleased with the charming finds I selected this time and will share it with you guys just for the fuck of it. Who knows? You may just discover your new favorite band or think “damn, this bitch is only into stoner, melodramatic music!”
Sheela Na gig – Pj Harvey
Museum – For the Very First Time
Kiss – I was made for loving you
Chromeo – Needy girl (Lifelike ReMiX)
Muse The Resistance – Uprising
Emilie Autumn – Thank God I’m Pretty
The Cranberries – Animal Instinct
the cure- The Blood
Hello Fascination – Breathe Carolina
Silversun Pickups – It’s nice to know you work alone
These are the songs I liked the most out of my playlist. I am actually kind of embarrassed about listing “Hello Fascination” by Breathe Carolina but they are catchy as hell and bring me back good memories. Tomorrow I plan to see my friends and I hope that puts me in a better, cheerful mood. One can only hope, right? Hope you enjoyed my songs selections.
Happy 2010 my sweet readers!!! How exciting! I always loved the prospects a new year brings. You can start from scratch and try to become a better person well, unless you got pregnant or something. If you have a kid you can’t forget about it because child protective services will come after you. No starting from scratch then…Yeah, I don’t know why I am talking about child abandonment. I am in a terrible random mood. Since arriving to the ranch I have literally not done anything and rarely gone out (didn’t bring my car and can’t drive trucks, too scare). I-am-dying-of-boredom! My iPhone has become my prostitute and my lover. I used to have the first generation one and recently switch it to the newer version. I love it, it’s black (like my dark heart), much lighter, crashes less, has more memory and it comes with a video camera (this satisfies my vain self) I have been so bored I downloaded a bunch of apps that allows you to chat with people. I have mainly encounter pervs who ask for nude pictures and pretend I am the sexiest person in the whole wide world. It has brought great entertainment to tell them that in reality I am a sexy tranny. They either get mad or confused. It’s pretty awesome. The sky is blue, the sun is my enemy and Brian Molko is so sexy I would jump him and do despicable things to him if I were to see him in front of me. Why can’t I have a guy that beautiful (and smart) in my life? Why am I asking questions again? I shouldn’t had drank that cup of coffee… Back when I had a sickening crush on AOB I told my friend that if he just sat in front of me and didn’t say a word I would be the happiest girl in the world. She thought I was a lunatic but I think it’s perfectly normal. See? I don’t ask for much. Life should be a bit more kind to me in the love deparment.Although putting it in writing really does make it sounds kind of strange…moving on. Before leaving C-town, I went to get my hair done and although it kind of looks the same I let my bangs grow and now have side bangs:
Paper Gangsta
So, yeah, I am quoting Lady Gaga. I usually don’t like music that’s actually popular but I just could not resist. Lady Gaga grew on me like a fungus, I love her and her tranny wannabe self. People who dare to be different and are outcast (although in her case she became a popular outcast if there is even such a thing) are close to my dark heart. I am a freak; people look at me weirdly and frankly I don’t give a flying fuck. Like my lover Kurt Cobain said, “wanting to be somebody else it’s a waste of who you are.” Another quote that stays with me is by my other lover Brian Molko, “I love being a freak, it’s great!” It is indeed great in the sense that it is accepting who you are and being free from the ghost of wanting to conform in order to fit in. That’s why I love these artists. To me they represent absolute freedom, rebellion with a dash of sexiness. Their music speaks to my soul, validates me and for that I be forever thankful. I am passionate about music, what can I say? Till next time darlings. Hope you are all having an awesome time.
“Loneliness adds beauty to life.It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”
-Henry Rollins
Hello my darling. Can you believe 2010 it’s just around the corner? It’s weird to think how fast time has slipped by and I remained kind of the same. I have never been one to do New Year resolutions but I will this time. My resolutions are to be more confident and to get myself out there. By this I mean joining clubs at school, community service, basically anything I can get my hands to. I am tired of almost being friendless and to focus on negativity. I am sick of relying on people only to be let down when I gave the best of me to them. Perhaps, I am too sensitive, or I have high standards on what I expect from people. I refuse to feel sad about it any longer. It is time to take some action, to keep myself busy. I don’t want to keep beating myself up thinking about what my life would be like if I had all the things I am missing. I am not alone as long as I have myself. If I don’t learn to love myself no one is going to do it for me.
Finals week ends on December 16 and I don’t come back to school till January 13. I am somewhat happy about having a nice long break. On the other hand, I will probably get sick of not having much to do. My mom wants to go to our ranch which is going to be boring and painful. Holidays are especially hard since my stepfather passed away…now it’s only my mom and I (in the US at least). The ranch is just full of memories of him… But, you got to keep your head up and know that people who passed away are in a better place. It is up to you to make things right and be happy for the blessing you have in your life.
Life isn’t perfect and it would be boring if it was. It is as I said in my last entry an endurance race and that is what makes it fun and unexpected. We just need to be thankful for what we do have and try to keep a good outlook on life. Something that is extremely hard for me the queen of the downers.
Hello darlings. Fall semester is finally coming to a fucking end and I could not be any happier. I have been miserably trying (with no success it seems) to get decent grades in my psychology courses. It does not help that I have the SAME teacher in my two psych classes. It does not help psychology is my goddamn major and I suck at it. But, it is okay. I will survive and kill myself studying for finals so that I get at least B’s in them. Wish me luck because I swear of God I need to step my game up. This just farther confirms that I am a complete dumbfuck… I have been trying so damn hard this semester and it just doesn’t seem to pay off. Then again, other people in my classes are struggling too. It has gone to the point of people complaining to the university about my teacher exams of doom (the format is wack).
At any rate, I finally signed up for the classes I am going to take spring semester. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because it seems every time I am happy about something shit goes wrong. But, I have a good feeling about next semester. I am not taking as many hours and I have a class with one of my good friends. Plus, one of the psych courses I am going to take it’s with the teacher I have mentioned in previous posts. The SEXY, SUBLIME, UTTERLY DIVINE who’s only downfall is that he is also extremely neurotic. Yes, I know.I am a masochist but I really want to take that course, his exams are not that bad and the hot factor is just a major plus. God, he is hot… Am I weird for liking older men? I mean, I see a pattern here. Oh well, it’s not like I get any lovin’. Mama needs to lust after something.
This Thursday I went dancing and Thursday to a party.It was alright. The nightclub was packed and I got asked to dance by a bunch of weirdos and fatties. Just my cup of tea! Friday, I didn’t stay that long at the party but I made some videos that I shall post on here. Every time I face any situation that involves those kinds of settings and interactions I feel like such an outsider. As if I just don’t belong and people can sense how utterly flaw I am. It may be I am just paranoiac or SAD kicking in…
Before I forget mentioning it, I saw CVS boy after not seeing him since June. Needless to say it was weird as fuck. Just as I was coming into the store with my mom (yikes) we said hi to each other and he got extremely excited. He opened his arms and said my name and I just smiled at him and kept walking. WTF? Yeah, because I totally am going to walk to the counter and give you a hug. Hell naww! I don’t like people touching me and we are not buddies. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter but I hate hypocrites. Don’t pretend you know me and we are friends because bitch we ain’t. I am such a gangsta. Right.
Sometimes I feel like I am slowly wasting my youth being a hermit but then I remind myself that although I suck at school (and have to work really hard towards getting decent grades)hey, I am doing something with my life. And it’s not like I have ever failed a course or anything… I wish I found something that came to me naturally without so much fucking effort. I am on a constant endurance race. If at least one area in my life went okay I would be the happiest girl in the world. I must accept after 20 years that it simply doesn’t. No-I don’t attract decent, smart guys. No-I don’t get straight A’s in all of my courses. No-most people don’t like me and I don’t have many friends. Expectations and not being able to get rid of them is what fucks everything up.
Here are the pictures I promised I was going to post.
I though I was going to take more pictures but a bunch of drama unravel.We end up going to just one party and it was more of a reunion than anything else.On actual Halloween day my friend and I went to see Paranormal Activity.Everybody kept saying how scary that movie was…bullshit to me at least it was not scary at all. In the end I had fun and spend a lovably weekend with people who keep my life a bit less boring.
I am still not sure what I was.According to the package it was a “Kitty Lady”…and somehow that just does not sound right to me.
A friend and I.She was a chef!
Typical group picture
More gayness
My new prostitute and lover.
We just had to show some PDA…don’t hate the playa hate the game.
This is the pajama that will get me a hubby.You shall see!!! HOTTT!!!
Two weeks ago a guy who apparently lives in the same city as I found my profile on a networking site that rates you base on looks (yes, I am THAT insecure).He apparently was so mesmerize by my “beauty” and accent that he found the need to stalk every site I have ever signed on to. On one of these sites he send me a message proclaiming his admiration towards me. He expressed his fear of being perceived as “weird” or “stalkerish”. Claims I so kindly lie he was not being. Upon looking at his pictures and conversating with him for a bit I came to the conclusion that I solely attract idiotic, stalkerish men. Frankly this cuts deep; it appears I give a certain vibe that attracts these losers. I don’t know if my appearance or actions just screams stupid. I simply don’t know what to do with myself anymore.Since this semester started I just being going downhill. My moods swings are erratic, my weight is getting lower and everything seems so bleak. Remember the guy I mentioned in my last post? The same guy who sat by me in the library? Well, according to my friends he had been giving me all this “signs” that he was into me. “Signs” I knew better than to believe but my ignorance and desperation got the best of me. This week come to find out that surprise, surprise, he is taken. Oh yes, it seems I always tend to like people in relationships although in this case I wasn’t aware of this. What hurts me the most is not the fact he is taken, but that I fooled myself into seeing something that wasn’t there. I become so desperate with the wanting of somebody, anybody who isn’t a complete abomination to like me that I am willing to mislead myself. I feel utter hatred and disgust towards myself. I just cannot deny how truly lonely I feel.The shame and desire of wanting somebody for once to reciprocate my feelings is palpable. Everyday I carry this sensation of not living up to what I could be or what I could have been… so flawed, empty and meaningless.This seems to always be the story of my life. It just keeps replaying itself in different setting and with different people.
This weekend for Halloween I am actually being somewhat “normal” and going to two costume parties. I be sure to update you if anything exciting happens and show you my sexy kitty costume.
PS: even though this update sounds really dramatic I promise I am not going to kill myself. I still have to annoy many more people!
Hello my sweet and darling readers. How you all been? Are you all keeping it gangsta and hardcore? I sure hope so because I know I am. Just joking, this is the effect of one large cup of coffee, large iced coffee and diet Coke. This semester I have been really on top of my homework and test. And for this my friends energy, even if fake one it’s needed. Problem is I crash down and become depressed. A price must be pay for all good things in life. At any rate, this update is not going to be about school. How boring…I feel like all I talk about is two topics, a. school, and b. being single. I wish I was at least poetic about it or something. That would make it sassier and sexier (if that is even possible, my writing is full of mojo already)! But, you know what? I think I can bitch all I want about being single because hey, I bet I am part of the selective 5% of 20 year olds who have never had a boyfriend or been kiss. I am as pristine as they come. It feels so great, pure and jolly (big sarcasms in case you could not tell). Ha! I really don’t know why I obsess so much about it. I know it does not define who I am nevertheless it would feel nice to NOT feel so abnormal. Sometimes I get so lonely and the need to have somebody to hold me tight and whisper sweet nothings becomes palpable. It’s true; I am not made out of stone. After I finally stop liking AOB I come to understand many things about the way I “loved”. The most important breakthrough is that I have not liked somebody who I actually knew or was not impossible (aka married and much older than I am) in a long time. It comes down to never wanting to put myself out there(till now). It is my survival mechanism. Due to this I don’t know how to interact with somebody I have a romantic interest in or find attractive. There is a guy in one of my classes who I find myself attracted to. This provides the perfect opportunity to get to know him (plus he sits close by) yet, I find myself incapable of doing it. My mind simply goes blank. I don’t want him to think I am clingy, weird or slutty (as bizarre as this sounds). I been so bombarded with certain rules that I am beyond confused on how we are supposed to fucking act around a sexy man. Be approachable, but don’t be too open. Be sexy but don’t be slutty. Show interest but don’t be noisy. Is okay to pursue a man, but they tend to prefer be the “hunters.” I just don’t know what to believe anymore. What do they like? I know “I” just want to be like. I want for somebody “I” like to like me back .So far I solely managed to make myself seem like an aloof bitch. I should have figured this male interaction deal out when I was still a teenager in high school. Sadly I didn’t, I am paying the consequences. For now, I am going to keep attempting to have a decent conversation with him. I am taking it as practice, perhaps the more I do it, the better I get at it.Right? Right.Alright!
PS: I have been obsessed with this song for the past days. So, charming!
PSS: Ignore the emo bullshit pictures.
PSSS: I used to think emo and scene was cool. Somewhere along the road I grew a brain.
Last week you asked us to raise our hands if we could clearly remember our first kiss and the feelings that came with it. I of course didn’t raise my hand. You and my classmates did not notice. It was easy to conceal, far too many people in the room. I know your intentions were the best. I know it was a part of getting your point across during the lecture. But, do we really always have to assume people have experience the basic things in life? Ha! Why am I even asking this? Yes, of course we do. It is not your fault you reminded me of how much I differ from the rest of the population. It is not your fault, I got sad and a bit depress afterwards. I mean, it is not you who lacks social skills with men or well, women in your case. Case in point you are married. You know, it kind of sucks to know that even though I am improving I perhaps will never be enough. If I was pretty and witty enough I will have suitors. I will certainly not be a 20 year old who has never been kissed or being in a relationship. BTW, I am not even sure of what is to be enough but what I am sure is that I am not it. So, to answer your question in a more personal manner, no I don’t remember. I don’t remember because it has never happen. It has not happen because somewhere along the path I got lost. I got lost because of life situations. Do you know that life is a dirty little bitch? The little things in life that most people have experience cause great sorrow to others who don’t have the pleasure of knowing what it is like. Some of us don’t fit into the norm while the rest do. I wish I was on the other side…One last thing, I really hope in the future your examples don’t involve romantic situations. You kind of reminded me how much of a true loser I am. But of course, is not your fault, not your fault at all.
PS: No hard feelings. You are still an awesome teacher.
