Here are the pictures I promised I was going to post.
I though I was going to take more pictures but a bunch of drama unravel.We end up going to just one party and it was more of a reunion than anything else.On actual Halloween day my friend and I went to see Paranormal Activity.Everybody kept saying how scary that movie was…bullshit to me at least it was not scary at all. In the end I had fun and spend a lovably weekend with people who keep my life a bit less boring.
I am still not sure what I was.According to the package it was a “Kitty Lady”…and somehow that just does not sound right to me.
A friend and I.She was a chef!
Typical group picture
More gayness
My new prostitute and lover.
We just had to show some PDA…don’t hate the playa hate the game.
This is the pajama that will get me a hubby.You shall see!!! HOTTT!!!
Two weeks ago a guy who apparently lives in the same city as I found my profile on a networking site that rates you base on looks (yes, I am THAT insecure).He apparently was so mesmerize by my “beauty” and accent that he found the need to stalk every site I have ever signed on to. On one of these sites he send me a message proclaiming his admiration towards me. He expressed his fear of being perceived as “weird” or “stalkerish”. Claims I so kindly lie he was not being. Upon looking at his pictures and conversating with him for a bit I came to the conclusion that I solely attract idiotic, stalkerish men. Frankly this cuts deep; it appears I give a certain vibe that attracts these losers. I don’t know if my appearance or actions just screams stupid. I simply don’t know what to do with myself anymore.Since this semester started I just being going downhill. My moods swings are erratic, my weight is getting lower and everything seems so bleak. Remember the guy I mentioned in my last post? The same guy who sat by me in the library? Well, according to my friends he had been giving me all this “signs” that he was into me. “Signs” I knew better than to believe but my ignorance and desperation got the best of me. This week come to find out that surprise, surprise, he is taken. Oh yes, it seems I always tend to like people in relationships although in this case I wasn’t aware of this. What hurts me the most is not the fact he is taken, but that I fooled myself into seeing something that wasn’t there. I become so desperate with the wanting of somebody, anybody who isn’t a complete abomination to like me that I am willing to mislead myself. I feel utter hatred and disgust towards myself. I just cannot deny how truly lonely I feel.The shame and desire of wanting somebody for once to reciprocate my feelings is palpable. Everyday I carry this sensation of not living up to what I could be or what I could have been… so flawed, empty and meaningless.This seems to always be the story of my life. It just keeps replaying itself in different setting and with different people.
This weekend for Halloween I am actually being somewhat “normal” and going to two costume parties. I be sure to update you if anything exciting happens and show you my sexy kitty costume.
PS: even though this update sounds really dramatic I promise I am not going to kill myself. I still have to annoy many more people!
Hello my sweet and darling readers. How you all been? Are you all keeping it gangsta and hardcore? I sure hope so because I know I am. Just joking, this is the effect of one large cup of coffee, large iced coffee and diet Coke. This semester I have been really on top of my homework and test. And for this my friends energy, even if fake one it’s needed. Problem is I crash down and become depressed. A price must be pay for all good things in life. At any rate, this update is not going to be about school. How boring…I feel like all I talk about is two topics, a. school, and b. being single. I wish I was at least poetic about it or something. That would make it sassier and sexier (if that is even possible, my writing is full of mojo already)! But, you know what? I think I can bitch all I want about being single because hey, I bet I am part of the selective 5% of 20 year olds who have never had a boyfriend or been kiss. I am as pristine as they come. It feels so great, pure and jolly (big sarcasms in case you could not tell). Ha! I really don’t know why I obsess so much about it. I know it does not define who I am nevertheless it would feel nice to NOT feel so abnormal. Sometimes I get so lonely and the need to have somebody to hold me tight and whisper sweet nothings becomes palpable. It’s true; I am not made out of stone. After I finally stop liking AOB I come to understand many things about the way I “loved”. The most important breakthrough is that I have not liked somebody who I actually knew or was not impossible (aka married and much older than I am) in a long time. It comes down to never wanting to put myself out there(till now). It is my survival mechanism. Due to this I don’t know how to interact with somebody I have a romantic interest in or find attractive. There is a guy in one of my classes who I find myself attracted to. This provides the perfect opportunity to get to know him (plus he sits close by) yet, I find myself incapable of doing it. My mind simply goes blank. I don’t want him to think I am clingy, weird or slutty (as bizarre as this sounds). I been so bombarded with certain rules that I am beyond confused on how we are supposed to fucking act around a sexy man. Be approachable, but don’t be too open. Be sexy but don’t be slutty. Show interest but don’t be noisy. Is okay to pursue a man, but they tend to prefer be the “hunters.” I just don’t know what to believe anymore. What do they like? I know “I” just want to be like. I want for somebody “I” like to like me back .So far I solely managed to make myself seem like an aloof bitch. I should have figured this male interaction deal out when I was still a teenager in high school. Sadly I didn’t, I am paying the consequences. For now, I am going to keep attempting to have a decent conversation with him. I am taking it as practice, perhaps the more I do it, the better I get at it.Right? Right.Alright!
PS: I have been obsessed with this song for the past days. So, charming!
PSS: Ignore the emo bullshit pictures.
PSSS: I used to think emo and scene was cool. Somewhere along the road I grew a brain.
Last week you asked us to raise our hands if we could clearly remember our first kiss and the feelings that came with it. I of course didn’t raise my hand. You and my classmates did not notice. It was easy to conceal, far too many people in the room. I know your intentions were the best. I know it was a part of getting your point across during the lecture. But, do we really always have to assume people have experience the basic things in life? Ha! Why am I even asking this? Yes, of course we do. It is not your fault you reminded me of how much I differ from the rest of the population. It is not your fault, I got sad and a bit depress afterwards. I mean, it is not you who lacks social skills with men or well, women in your case. Case in point you are married. You know, it kind of sucks to know that even though I am improving I perhaps will never be enough. If I was pretty and witty enough I will have suitors. I will certainly not be a 20 year old who has never been kissed or being in a relationship. BTW, I am not even sure of what is to be enough but what I am sure is that I am not it. So, to answer your question in a more personal manner, no I don’t remember. I don’t remember because it has never happen. It has not happen because somewhere along the path I got lost. I got lost because of life situations. Do you know that life is a dirty little bitch? The little things in life that most people have experience cause great sorrow to others who don’t have the pleasure of knowing what it is like. Some of us don’t fit into the norm while the rest do. I wish I was on the other side…One last thing, I really hope in the future your examples don’t involve romantic situations. You kind of reminded me how much of a true loser I am. But of course, is not your fault, not your fault at all.
PS: No hard feelings. You are still an awesome teacher.
“I’m just like a balloon. If someone doesn’t hold my string I’ll float away.”
-Party Monster
Hello darling. This blog has turn into some kind of teenage drama queen diary. But, I just love to write even if half of the stuff I post on here is not that interesting. My style of writing is not poetic or the most cohesive. It is more like a semi-educated train wreck. Nevertheless people (judging from my statistics) still read my posts. I don’t always get feedback but it still feel nice somebody out there takes time out of their day to read what I have to say. When I first decided to share about my lack of experience in the romance department (among other super hardcore shit) I never expected for anybody to really read this. I don’t know, is just weird in a good way. And now, like always I am starting to ramble. I guess I just wanted to say thank you to those who like and read my posts.
Anyways, enough of this pansy shit. Last week was really good for me. Why you may ask? Well, let me answer that question for you sexy, sexy one .I know you are dying from the uncertainty of perhaps never finding out what made my week somewhat less sucky. Don’t fret! I am not that evil. I shall tell, oh yes. Come to think of it, there is really not a straight answer to what made it great. It was more like a series of events that will sound really simple to normal people. I guess the simple things in life are the ones that do matter the most sometimes. First, I got out of the deep depression I was in and found the reason for it. Mother Nature that little whore came to visit on the week I was feeling so fucking down. It was great to find a logical explanation to the rapid, bipolar mood swings I had been experiencing. Second, I think I made a new friend. There is this girl in two of my psych classes who has been a sweetheart to me since we started talking. We seem to have things in common and are suppose to have a study date this Tuesday. Third, by some miracle the male species is starting to approach me and talk to me! If you guys can recall for the most part I am invisible to males. They don’t approach me; they don’t talk to me (except for the creepy ones). It is almost as if there is something seriously wrong with me. This week though that was the exception to this. Friday of the previous week, I was buying my usual coffee and this guy I used to have class with complimented my earring (btw, he is not gay). Nothing came out of that and it seems almost silly to mention but keep in mind what I just stated above. Wednesday I had an exam in my economics class and this really cute guy came near me looking for something. I figured he needed a sheet we needed to fill out and gave it to him. He asked if he could seat next to me to which I of course agreed. He then started to talk to me about the exam among other random stuff. After I finish my exam I went to meet up with my friend and we sat at the plaza in front of the library. We were being silly like always when this guy approach us asking if we had two minutes to take a survey. I said sure and he only gave ME a survey. After I completed he look at the sheet and try to pronounce the city I am from. I had noticed he had an accent before but I figure he was from somewhere in Latin America. Yeah, WRONG. He asked me if that was a big city and the population of it. I said that it was a big urban city but that I could not give him an estimated of the population Oh yes, the survey also asked how much time I had been living in CC. I said one year and he was surprise because he had seemed me around or some shit like that. After he left my friend started to laugh because to her it was obvious he was flirting with me. I of course was completely oblivious but it then kind of hit me. I had mention to my friend that I was attracted to this guy in my lab class. He is not physically attractive but he has an accent, smokes and remains me of AOB in a way. I saw that guy coming out of the library and pointed him out to my friend. She did not notice him that much because she was watching the guy who had gave me the survey. He had approach him and (according to her) was staring at me while talking to him. I was too busy to notice that since I was staring at the other guy.Opps. Thursday comes and I am sitting in the library studying for my history exam. Suddenly I look up and I see the guy I have lab with (I forgot to mention he is also in my lab group) approaching me. Out of instinct I look down, realize who he is and look up again and say hi. He says hi and asked me in his beautiful, sexy accent if I was studying for history and whether I had Munoz. I said no that I had Min Song. He proceeds to sit in the seat next to me and we had a short conversation about our sucky teacher. I went back to study and hesitated if I should keep the conversation going because I did not want to distract him. After 8 minutes or more he got up, said bye to me and went to the second level of the library. Leaving me kind of confused. So, umm did he just sit there to talk to me or something? I am pointlessly analyzing things like always. At any rate, to any standard person all of this male encounters may seem petty and every day life occurrences. But to me, last week was just out of the ordinary.I am turning somewhat less unapproachable. I just hope that this luck or whatever does not go away. It will be nice for once to have guy friends or more friends for that matter!
It is not uncommon for people to ask where I am from after hearing my accent. It really does not bother me. It is normal to be curious but it is not to make assumptions or stereotype people. Usually when I tell them I am from Mexico they are genuine shock, then proceed to proclaim that I don’t “look” Mexican nor my accent sounds like it. The accent part I guess I can understand but… how in the hell are Mexicans suppose to look like? Being Mexican is not a race is a nationality. It is incredible people still assume Mexicans are all short, dark and with indigenous features. Mexicans come in all colors. We do not all look alike. We are not all uneducated, come to the US illegally and work in construction. Mexican girls do not all have long hair , wear heavy unflattering make up or wear clothes from the brand Baby Phat. I swear each and every time I want to say goddamn it, wake the fuck up and leave stupid stereotypes aside. But, I don’t I am too nice or maybe too much of a coward. Instead I just vent on this lovably blog.
On to other more pleasant subjects (or maybe not that pleasant), I think it is safe to say that my sickening crush for AOB it’s gone. I know it is only been two weeks or so since I wrote my last entry but as I said something snapped in me. It is funny though because now that I am not into him I see him way more often. It bothers me because I am afraid he is going to think that I am stalking him or something. Last semester after all I did hang out at the places I knew he was going to be at. This semester it was a simple coincidence that he also likes to hang out on the little plaza in front of the library. I am making myself be rational by thinking that he would have to be too full of himself to think a random person was stalking him. But, he does seem to be full of himself… nevertheless; I am not going to stop hanging out there just because I see the fucker. To be truthful though no matter the place seeing him is just a drag.
The only thing I miss about having a crush is looking forward to something. Now that I don’t like anybody I don’t have anyone I look forward to seeing or that sense of excitement I loved. Life is bland, each day just drags by without any memorable moment to remember or cherish. I feel like “Everyday Is Exactly The Same” by my favorite band NIN is the soundtrack of my life . I realized that sounds extremely cheesy but it is true. Here are the lyrics for the song:
“I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I’ve been told
I really don’t want them to come around
Oh, no
[Chorus:]
Every day is exactly the same
Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same
I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I’m happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can’t remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end
[Chorus]
I’m writing on a little piece of paper
I’m hoping someday you might find
Well I’ll hide it behind something
They won’t look behind
I’m still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don’t know, I don’t know what else I can do”
That song fits me pretty well minus the whole people are watching me because they think I am going to do drugs again. I am straight edge and really not that far away from being a fucking monk (if I was a man but I am not so I guess a nun would be more appropriated). I don’t even have a lot of friends left to enrich my life. I only have 2 left and I always come second best for them. One of them is too busy with her boyfriend (which is understandable. They are really the cutest couple) and the other as soon as something comes up with somebody else completely forgets about me. I need to meet new people, but it is terribly hard at this uni I transferred to last year. It is like everybody already has their little group. Plus, not a lot of people have my same interests; most people in my age group are just into partying and having a good time. I wish I met somebody who has similar interests but that at the moment that seems highly unlikely. For now I am destine to be a loner. Quoting Placebo (can you just tell I love quoting songs?), “got no friends, got no lover.” It is rather sad really. I am a social person and yet I just don’t seem to fit in. I basically have no life… I just hope that this is just a short phase I am going through in my life. Things didn’t used to be like that for me. Not even when I went to the university I dreaded my freshman year. I made some cool friends there but here I know no one. Well, I do but they are just acquaintances. You know the kind of people you just talk to during class time and nothing ever comes out of that. I think it is safe to say life is a depressing little bitch.
Hello my sweet and ever so lovable readers. How you all been? I hope that better than me that is for sure. The end of last week and this week have been just chaotic and full of ups and downs. Nothing remarkable has happen though. When does it ever does anyways? Ha. My life is oh so very plain. At any rate, since last week I had been feeling quite down but my funk just got worse after hearing some unexpected news from my friend boyfriend. He and Angel of Beauty were in the soccer team last semester and according to him he was not in school anymore or at least that is what his friend told him. I was of course shatter, well not shatter that is an overdramatic statement. I was sad but to be truthful relief because my sick obsession was no longer in campus. This meant that I was finally going to be force to get over something that was not meant to be in the first place. Well, my dear friends it turns out life is a bitch.Life is a fucking whore.Life sucks hairy balls cover in fucking poo.Nice mental picture, I know. It turned out to be that AOB was just a lazy fuck who did not joined for God knows what reason the soccer team this semester. And how do I know this? Well, I decided to get up uber early even on the days that I have class at 11 because on Tuedays and Thursdays finding parking spots is a hassle. This past Thursday I arrived to campus at 8:50 or so (I know, extreme but I am not willing to drive around for an hour trying to find a parking spot) only to see AOB with his girlfriend entering a building just as I was turning. At first I was not sure whether it was him or not because I was driving, couldn’t check him out that well and only saw him from the side then back with his girl. My reaction was rather…gay. I started semi hyperventilating and gagging. Yeah…thank you social anxiety for that! It kind of reminded me of the song Aneurysm by Nirvana, “love you so much, it makes me sick.” I got out of my car, went to buy an unnecessary coffee because I enjoy suffering and feeling nervous as fuck and sat down in front of the library. There is a comfy little plaza with tables and chairs, the perfect plaza to kill two goddamn hours. Suddenly, I received a text from my friend telling me that she had seen AOB coming out of the library that morning. I told her that I had just seen him but wasn’t sure whether it was him and thank her for confirming my suspicions. At about 10:40 just as I was preparing to walk to class, I see this guy from the corner of my eye quickly looking at me then walking towards his friend. I had to leave anyways walked passed him and confirmed it was in fact AOB. He of course, did not even glance at me or anything. And why would he anyways? He does not know me and has a girlfriend. Nevertheless, I felt depress like the fool that I am but finally something snap in me. Not in a crazy psychotic way though…lolz. I realized that, well, I am wasting my time liking somebody who is taken and who I have never had contact with. Instead of making progress, noticing and liking other guys I am stuck liking somebody who will never like me back. EVER. I know, it seems like a rather easy thing to realize but it took me a year to come to this and be determined to stop liking him. Liking him is just hindering my progress. And for somebody who suffers from social anxiety this is unacceptable. I cannot keep fooling myself, hoping and praying one day by the grace of God he will noticed me and be as intrigue and into me as I am by him. That just happens in movies and not in real life. Last weekend I went to see “500 Days of Summer” besides from how the characters dressed (very chic 50’s, 60’s fashion) the movie completely suck. At least I thought it was cheesy as fuck. But, something they said at the end of the movie really made me think (surprising, I know). I won’t go into full details of the plot but the loserish, still in love with Summer guy was told by a girl that he had not noticed her at the bar because perhaps he was not looking hard enough or really looking (something along those lines). And hey, that my friends hit home. Yes, I know I said in my last entry that I was not going to focus on guys and dating. But, if you could not tell by now I am a walking contradiction. That made me realized that I have been wasting all this time (a fucking year) infatuated with somebody who has no interest in me. And even though I may have deceived myself into thinking we are meant to be, well that is not the case. They may be somebody out there who had/has interest in me and I have never even noticed because of being so damn caught up with this sick illusion I created. I have put myself in a losing situation; I am the only one to blame for that. It’s not healthy and it is not okay. So, I am determined to stop this, to liberated and open myself to the world. I don’t mean to suddenly become promiscuous or something but to not walk around without really looking at anything or anyone. I tend to do that, not noticed my surroundings, not noticed other people. That is not really living. Is kind of like being constantly half sleep.
Besides from that eye opening realization, I have been filled with HW, quizzes and shit like that. My life is indeed very exciting.
Lame picture time!
I am quite in love with this Boy George hat. At least that is what my friends nicknamed me after seeing me with it the first time. Instead of being offended by it I was really flatter. I have always thought Boy George was beautiful in the 80’s. Oh yeah, I was wearing this outfit the day I saw AOB again. Pointless thing to mention but hey, I am just full of randomness.High five and great success!
Hope you sexies have a lovably long weekend. And may the force be with you young ones!
Hello my sweet and dear ones, how you all been? Today, I finally came back to school. I am taking 16 hours (which really isn’t that bad). So far my teachers seem nice but sadly I don’t have any hot, spicy teachers like I did last semester. I know what you are all thinking (see I am a pimp like that) “okay you crazy biatch, you go to school to learn NOT to lust after teachers.” And hey, you are correct BUT last semester it was really nice to see a hot male specimen first thing in the morning lecturing sexy psych knowledge to me. Knowledge+ sexy appeal= is FULL OF WIN.Sure, he was kind of neurotic but super hot nevertheless…Rawr,rawrrr. I am really mature, I know.
In case you were wondering if I got a class with beautiful AOB, I am sad to announce that I didn’t. At least he wasn’t in any of my classes today. And tomorrow I only have one class…so hope must not be lost! Knowing my luck though mama ain’t getting that pleasure.
I have made a resolution(scary, I know),my plan this semester is to stop focusing on getting a boyfriend and in the male species for that matter. Instead, I am going to go for the other team now…jk,jk! No, for some strange reason though I have always wished I was bi. Best of both worlds! Sadly, even though I have an immense and strange love for effeminate, androgenious boys mama doesn’t like females. Yeah, I always go off topic; I hope I didn’t scare you all. My friends usually think I have the weirdest ideas and fixations. Ha!
Back to what I was talking about, I am going to stop focusing on it because if it hasn’t come it must be for a reason. What reason that is, I am not sure. Perhaps, I am just not ready or some people are not meant to experience relationships and all that good emo stuff. I am one of them. Sure sometimes I get depress about it, wondering what is so off about me that males don’t approach me like they do my friends (example my last emoerotic post). But, in all honesty the few times I have been approached (by really ugly weirdos FYI) I didn’t feel the need to have a relationship.I think that if my need to be in a relationship was truthful it wouldn’t matter who I establish that bond with.I be desperate enough to accept anything that comes my way. That isn’t the case though,I only feel the need when I see somebody near me being all mushy, gushy and it’s then when I start to ponder what that is really all about. I am not that romantic instead I am highly self absorbed and shallow. The good thing is that I am willing to admit my faults and flaws and it’s what makes me well, me. Now,I am just trying to make myself feel better….So, yes this year I am going to focus on what matters the most which is of course *drum rolls please* me and school. Fuck the rest! After all, is not like the male species has much interest in me anyways…hahaha. Sad but true.
To make all of this super more fun, this is what I wore today (exciting, oh yes):
Try to not noticed the mess I have in my room.
I was on my way out, in case you are wondering about the sunglasses inside my house deal.
As always, I was way overdressed for the occasion (hey, the first day of school is important) but, better to stand out than to go unnoticed. In some situations at least….
To end this nonsense, I recently discover my new favorite band King Adora. They sadly have broken up and it’s a bitch to find their music but I love them anyways. Come to think of it, I have an unhealthy obsession with anything related to England. I never been but based on what I seen and heard it seems like such a divine place to live in, especially Brighton. One day, I will move there and find myself a hot British husband. After all nothing is impossible!
“Alone is the place I’ve made my home
And it’s all I’ve known
Learn to like myself
Before I start
Please, I’ve been too long on my knees
And it cuts, cuts deep
I deny myself
To hang my heart
Tell me am I fallin’ apart
I’ll never be together
Coz its to hard
Tell me you’re the light in the dark
You stop my heart
Just like a kamikaze does
When it’s all too much
I’ve denied myself
To hang my heart
Tell me am I fallin’ apart
I’ll never be together
Coz its to hard
Tell me you’re the light in the dark
You stop my heart
You stop my heart
You stop my heart
Tell me am I fallin’ apart
I’ll never be together
Coz its to hard
Tell me you’re the light in the dark
You stop my heart
You stop my heart
You stop my heart”
The lead singer is soooo hott *drools*.I have a weakness for musicians in case you couldn’t tell.Okay, now I am seriously done before I embarrass myself any farther.
Warning: This is the most pointless update in the world.
So…I chopped all of my hair off, not like my hair was long or anything before. I decided to do it because the conditions of it weren’t the best. Plus, extra short haircuts look so chic on some girls. I don’t think that applies to me and now I feel extra naked. As if my security blanket was lifted and now I am exposed.Is strange how much emphasis society puts on hair. Girls are supposed to have long flowy hair, guys short hair. Girls who have long hair are supposed to be more attractive to men. Of course, it is all a matter of preference but usually that dear my friends is the case. I am just ranting and this post has no point whatsoever than feeling very insecure about my appearance. And caring what others think of me once I come back to school. Such a mediocre thing to be worry about it but I guess I am quite shallow. What comforts me is knowing that hair always grows back.
On picture it looks okay.In real life I feel I look quite different and not so great.LAME!
